


Spider-Man's Nighttime Skincare Routine | Go To Bed With Me | Harper's BAZAAR

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [11]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Gen, Harpers BAZAAR, Humor, Internet, Interviews, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Social Media, Video, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21546733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: The video cuts to Spider-Man standing in a bright, fancy looking bathroom. The walls behind him are a crisp white, to match the vanity and the towels neatly rolled up and stacked on a shelf above the toilet. The vigilante appears to have changed outfits, as instead of his spider suit he is now sporting his mask and a pair of black silk pajamas edged in white around the collar and down the seam, as well as across the front breast pocket."So this is my skincare routine," he gushes at the camera, pressing his hands to his masked cheeks. "As you can imagine, a long night of fighting crime can be hard on your skin, so every evening I make sure to follow this simple routine. It's about oh, say," he rustles through the bottles and packages offscreen and estimates, "twelve hundred steps. It's a routine that goes back years and years in my family, passed on from spider to spider. So you're really lucky that I'm sharing this with you. Listen closely." He winks.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484537
Comments: 103
Kudos: 672
Collections: ellie marvel fics - read





	Spider-Man's Nighttime Skincare Routine | Go To Bed With Me | Harper's BAZAAR

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seyma_dorr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seyma_dorr/gifts).



> seyma_dorr: I have a title for your next fic: Spidey's Morning/Nightime Skincare Routine for Harper's BAZAAR. Do that what you will. Honestly I will be surprised if you actually did it.
> 
> Challenge accepted. ;)
> 
> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

'This is Spider-Man', the title card displays on screen before showing the costumed vigilante standing in what looks to be a fancy living room filled with shiny electronics, expensive glass décor, and pristine white leather couches. Classy piano music plays low in the background.

"It's time to go to bed with me," Spider-Man purrs at the camera in his best bedroom voice, tilting his head to the side and dragging a sultry hand down his chest. The mask over his mouth twitches and his body jolts with suppressed laughter but a snort escapes, unable to take himself seriously.

'GO TO BED WITH SPIDER-MAN' displays on screen in white letters on a black starry background as the music rolls to a gentle finish.

The video cuts to Spider-Man standing in a bright, fancy looking bathroom. The walls behind him are a crisp white, to match the vanity and the towels neatly rolled up and stacked on a shelf above the toilet. The vigilante appears to have changed outfits, as instead of his spider suit he is now sporting his mask and a pair of black silk pajamas edged in white around the collar and down the seam, as well as across the front breast pocket.

"So this is my skincare routine," he gushes at the camera, pressing his hands to his masked cheeks. "As you can imagine, a long night of fighting crime can be hard on your skin, so every evening I make sure to follow this simple routine. It's about oh, say," he rustles through the bottles and packages offscreen and estimates, "twelve hundred steps. It's a routine that goes back years and years in my family, passed on from spider to spider. So you're really lucky that I'm sharing this with you. Listen closely." He winks.

"First, we have Simple Cleansing Facial Wipes."

He holds up a light green package of wipes as the text, "Simple - Cleansing Facial Wipes" appears at the bottom of the screen in elegant font. He struggles to find the seam to open the package, the plastic making obnoxiously loud crinkling noises before, with a satisfied noise, he rips the whole thing open and several wipes fall out.

"Totally meant to do that," he assures the camera, wiping and dabbing at his masked face. "On account of I need several of them, so that was totally on purpose." He grabs the unnecessarily large stack of wipes and dabs the mask.

"It's important at the end of the day to take that makeup off, amiright ladies? And gents, of course. We're not sexist in this family. And of course all that crimefighting grime. So we're gonna scrub real hard, I've got tough skin don't worry." He begins furiously scrubbing at his mask with a vigor that would be concerning if it were on actual flesh.

"Notice my eye makeup isn't coming off. Don't worry, that's because it isn't makeup. I'm blessed with naturally beautiful eyelashes."

The arachnid gestures to the black outline around the outside of his eye lenses, obviously a part of his mask. He blinks several times, as though batting his eyelashes. He admires his face, now darkened in places with moisture and little bits of white where he rubbed too hard and the wipe crumbled and stuck to the fabric. After a moment's consideration he reaches up with yet another wipe and cleans his eye lenses with a squeaky noise, as though he is cleaning the windows with a bottle of Windex.

He sighs in satisfaction, "There! All makeup and crime fighting residue removed. Looking good, Spidey," he tells his reflection in the mirror with a pair of finger guns.

"Now, let's refresh ourselves with an H2O cleanse. That's just water, for those of you who failed basic science."

Spider-Man turns on the shiny chrome tap and sets the water running. He cups his hands under the faucet and when they fill with water he flings it up at his face, splashing water all over himself and the counter and, from the sounds of it, the floor.

"Hn," he muses, water dripping from his chin, "That seems to go much better in those Neutrogena commercials. Maybe I didn't do it right."

He tries again and makes an even bigger mess, his lovely silk pajamas now soaked and sticking to his chest. He shrugs, unconcerned.

"Ah well, moving on. Next I, uh," he trails off as he looks around at the products on the counter. He looks back at himself in the mirror and spies the towel rolls behind him.

"Next, I grab a face towel and wet it and just go like this," the vigilante says confidently, putting actions to words. He wrings out the face towel and leans his head back and drapes it over his face for a moment. After he has suitably basked in the moist towel long enough, he uses it to vigorously rub at the mask and pat it around.

"It's so refreshing," he mumbles from under the towel, "I'm a brand new spider."

The vigilante throws it into the sink and makes a vogue gesture around his head with his pointer fingers and thumbs, as though he is framing his face in a photograph.

"Alright," he announces, slapping his cheeks and picking up a thin purple package. "Next we have, uh," he squints at the lettering on the front, "The Tatcha Luminous Dewy Skin Mask." The product name appears on the bottom of the screen. "All that wind in my face while web slinging can really dry out my skin, so this purple thing here will rehydrate me." He carefully opens the package and pulls out a thin, white, papery looking thing dripping with goo. He makes a brief disgusted noise in his throat before soldiering on. "I just open it all the way up and put it on my face like so." He gingerly picks at the slimy mask with thumbs and forefingers, trying to unfold it as the edges flop around awkwardly. He eventually succeeds and fearlessly dons the mask. It looks strange, with two circles cut out for the eyes, a rectangle for the nose, and an oval for the mouth.

"Beautiful, right?" Sometimes I amaze even myself," he brags, as a glob of goo drips from his chin to fall into the breast pocket of his silk pajamas.

He pulls out a tiny gold spray bottle and pops off the cap.

"So this one is Mizani 25 Miracle Milk," he says as the product name appears in the lower left of the screen. "I just spritz this in my hair, because your hair needs love too."

He spritzes what is probably thirty dollars worth of product on his hairless masked head, gives the bottle a sniff with an intrigued noise, and finishes with a spritz under each armpit for good measure.

"Now, while that's marinating I just massage it in."

Spider-Man selects a comb from the vanity drawer in front of him and combs his non-existent hair. Once he is satisfied, he places the comb back and picks up a small plastic container.

"Ooh what's this?"

He opens the lid with a considerable lack of grace causing a cascade of bobby pins to litter the marble floor.

"Uhh," he mutters in a small voice, "I'll just get those, then, shall I?"

The video fast forwards through several minutes of Spider-Man hunting around on the floor for the tiny objects.

"There!" He exclaims, triumphant, as he stands and puts the package back where it belongs.

He looks at himself in the mirror and remembers he still has the mask on.

"So it's been about ten minutes and I can take this mask off now. As you can see it's very slimy. I mean soothing. It's very soothing." He peels it off and throws it out before dabbing at the leftover shiny globs on his mask with his fingers.

"Looking flawless."

Spider-Man rifles through the remaining products in front of him before selecting a small purple bottle with a pump top.

"This is the Tatcha Violet-C Brightening Serum," he says, prompting the text to appear on screen for the viewers. "After I take off the moisturizing mask I use this brightening serum. Because we wouldn't want our skin to be dull, I guess."

He holds the bottle up and lets his head fall backwards. He drips the oil over his masked cheeks and pats it in. He dabs a little on his pointer finger and pats it under his eye lenses.

"I also like to put some under my eyes. We don't want eye bags or wrinkles."

He claps his hands and rubs them together while looking at what products are left.

"Four down, only eleven hundred and ninety-six left to go!"

The vigilante picks up a purple spray bottle and reads the product name as it appears on screen, "Tatcha Luminous Dewy Skin Mist. If you want dewy skin, this is the product for you!"

He sprays it into the air around his face dramatically like a cheesy perfume commercial and walks into the cloud hovering in the air like a diva.

"What the hell is dewy skin anyway," he mumbles to himself, looking skeptically at the bottle, "Isn't that just a nice way of saying 'sweaty'?" He shrugs and selects the next product.

"Tatcha The Water Cream," he reads aloud, holding up a small blue pot. He takes a large scoop onto his fingers and lathers it into his cheeks and forehead, which does nothing to help it absorb considering it is a fabric mask and not flesh. He replaces the lid on the now nearly empty pot of lotion and puts it back.

The arachnid regards his reflection in the mirror once again. His mask now smeared with face cream and his silk shirt soaked and clinging to his defined chest and spotted with globs of clear gel from the moisturizing mask.

"I'm so wet," he observes seriously, before promptly losing his composure and hanging his head and quivering in suppressed hilarity.

"In a purely cosmetic sense, of course," he chokes out after a moment and plucks at the sticky shirt clinging to him. "Moving on!"

He holds up a small, clear bottle with a green label and reads, "Desert Essence Tea Tree Oil." He opens the bottle and adds a small amount in his finger to dab in various places on his mask.

"Dab this on your trouble areas. We all get pimples, girls, don't be ashamed. It also reduces inflammation and is a suitable antiseptic for minor cuts and abrasions, you know, in case you are a secret vigilante who fights crime and occasionally gets hurt." He peels back the collar of his shirt and dabs a little on what horrifyingly looks like a mostly healed bullet wound on his shoulder.

He replaces the bottle and picks up a tube, "Aquaphor Healing Ointment."

He squeezes out a healthy amount onto his pointer and middle finger and smears it around where his lips should be.

"Girl," he says, affecting the persona of a sassy diva, "I can't fight crime with dry, chapped lips. Aquaphor has me covered." He makes several exaggerated lip smacking noises and purses his lips, which makes his mask stretch over them.

"And lastly, I take these wacky vitamins," he says, picking up a bottle of capsules. "Let's see here, 'For women', packed with vitamin D, calcium, iron, folic acid for all those babies that I could potential have. Wombs, am I right, ladies?" He flips up the bottom of his mask and pops a pill, choking it down dry.

The sound of a door opens in the distance and a man's voice drifts into the bathroom, "Underoos? Where the hell are you? I've been waiting for you in the lab for ages. And why is FRIDAY telling me you've been hiding in my room for the past half hour instead of getting sandwiches like you said you were getting? You better not be stealing my hoodies again, Pepper says she gets dibs and that you keep taking the best ones. She _will_ fight you for them."

Tony Stark steps into the bathroom and blinks owlishly. His eyes flick from Spider-Man, who is staring at him through the mirror like a deer caught in the headlights, to the camera person currently filming, and finally rests on the various open bottles and packages and mess on the counter.

"Pepper's going to kill you for wasting her beauty junk," he says, voice level and apparently not fazed at all.

Spider-Man turns around to face him directly and crosses his arms defensively, unfortunately bringing attention to his attire.

"...are you wearing my thousand dollar Derek Rose pure silk pajamas?"

They stare each other down and start shaking in silent laughter while Tony's mouth twitches violently, trying to hold a straight face.

"Let's face it, I'm sure this isn't the weirdest thing that's happened in your room."

Tony cracks and slaps his right hand over his mouth to try to muffle his laughter, but his eyes crinkle with laugh lines and sparkle in mirth.

The billionaire shakes his head in exasperation and gets hold of himself. He gives him another once over before snorting and turning to exit the bathroom.

"Whatever, I'm going back to the lab. Have fun playing dress up. You'd better clean this shit up, I'm warning you. And I really hope you're wearing underwear under my pajamas." He looks over his shoulder to stare the vigilante down.

Spider-Man remains silent and scratches his neck awkwardly, causing Tony to grimace.

"Ugh, keep them. Please. _Please_ keep them." He marches out of the room and his voice filters in as he leaves, "I swear to God that kid gives me high blood pressure. I need a scotch."

Spider-Man's eye lenses squint with glee and he turns to nod at the camera.

"And that, ladies and gents, is how you get free pajamas."

His eye lenses squint with glee as he waggles his fingers at the camera in farewell.

* * *

Comments

**WingsWithoutStrings**

As though it is completely normal to clean your eyeballs with a wet wipe

**Enchanted_nightengale**

So this was all just an elaborate plot to get free pajamas?

**the_devil_spaw**

I wonder if he actually wasn't wearing any underwear or if he was just screwing with Stark

**Larrys_avenger**

I feel like it speaks a lot to what must go down daily in the Avengers compound if Tony doesn't bat an eye at Spider-Man raiding his closet, wearing his pajamas, and standing in his personal bathroom with a camera crew while wasting his partner's cosmetics and making a mess.

**WeirdFangirl35**

Omg those products are expensive, watching this is making my eye twitch so bad

**lilyhiro**

I love how easily Spidey can make Tony Stark laugh, it's adorable

**joylisakook**

RIP, pepper gonna squash a spider

**arrogantdog**

Why am i even surprised that stark has pajamas that cost $1000

**friendly_neighborhood_fanatic**

Notice that tony didn't deny that it wasn't the weirdest thing to happen in his room

**Chickiecat20**

I foolishly thought this was his actual house until tony stark showed up

**hp80**

Can I have Tony Stark's bathroom please?

**Gracylynn**

Spidey's makeup game is tight.

**Jem_Crystairs**

Just when I thought he couldn't be more of a troll, he does a SKINCARE video with a flipping mask on and then scams Stark out of his own pajamas.

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Is Spidey bored? I feel like these interviews are getting progressively weirder. Maybe we can get him a hamster wheel or something.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please drop me a line and let me know you enjoyed yourself!


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